Dale Carnegie wrote a book on How to Win Friends and Influence People. This is an important book for anyone who wants to become friends with others. “How to Win Friends and Influence People” is frequently listed as one of the greatest books ever written. Some people even say that it was the start of the self-development industry that we are now seeing grow into a multi-billion dollar industry. It certainly changed the way that we communicated with others and helped us to start professional relationships.
This is a brief outline of the main ideas and themes that are discussed in the book How to Win Friends and Influence People. This does not do justice to the material in the book, and should not in any way replace the book. This article and the accompanying mind map should be used as a helpful guide to understanding the important concepts and elements in Dale Carnegies 1936 masterpiece, How to Win Friends and Influence People.
How to Handle People and Win Friends?
Do not criticize, condemn or complain. What you do will cause people to act in ways that will cause them to want things more. Give others an honest and sincere appreciation for what you have done and have not done.
Criticize, Condemn or Complain – That is absolutely not what is useful.
Dale Carnegie stresses the importance of being able to handle others effectively under different circumstances. Dale Carnegie advises that we never criticize or condemn others; that doing that is dangerous. If we start to say nasty things about others, it means that we are beginning to lose the trust and respect that others have for us.
Nobody likes to be criticized or condemned for doing or not doing something, and even when others complain, we are likely to just look the other way.
Criticism is futile because it puts people on the defensive and it causes them to try to justify themselves. Criticism hurts people’s feelings of pride, hurts their sense of importance, and causes them to feel very resentful. Dale Carnegie How to Win Friends and Influence People.
Arouse people’s eager desire.
Dale Carnegie says that to influence people to think like we think they should, we must get them excited. We need to find out what motivates people to take action or make a specific decision, and then we must work hard to get those motivations and ideas to surface.
It’s hard for us to imagine that we could consistently maintain good relationships with people by complaining and criticizing them whenever they don’t agree with our way of thinking. When we cause people to have an eager desire to do something, that’s when we start to influence them to do things that will help them to do what is right.
Being able to understand someone’s point of view well and causing him to want something in return is not manipulative because he may do something to benefit you. He may end up doing something that harms you. Every person involved in a negotiation should gain something from the outcome of the negotiation. — Dale Carnegie
Give Thanks, Honesty and Sincere Appreciation.
Give others every reason to be grateful for their efforts, their time, their energy, and their skills, even if they do the most minor things that you do well.
When people feel that they are appreciated for a long time, they have a different zest for life. When people become motivated, they act and decide to do things that will benefit them. If they become motivated, we can have a greater influence on their choices and decisions. But always show that you appreciate them sincerely and that you appreciate them honestly.
What is the difference between truly appreciating someone and truly flattering them? That is as simple as that. If you are honest and sincere, your words will reflect your feelings sincerely. What you do is honest and sincere; what you do is insincere. It is important that you feel really appreciated and that you give them a sincere, sincere appreciation. One acts for others without being asked for anything in return. The other acts selfishly. One is universally respected; the other is universally hated. — Dale Carnegie
How to Get People to Think Like You?
- Keep smiling. Always show that you are thinking about them.
- Use their name often. Encourage them to talk more than you would like them to
- Listen carefully to others and encourage them to speak first and often.
- Always try to show that you are truly interested in other people if you begin to talk with them about their concerns.
- Always try to make people feel important.
Always try to listen to what others are interested in, and try to learn more about what people are interested in. It is difficult to build strong relationships with people who simply do not like you. Sometimes people start out wrong, and they don’t really get along; other times, people quickly become friends after the first meeting. It seems to me that some people are just hard to relate to. Why is that? How does that work? Whether people are happy or not, if they are smiling a lot, they will remember you. Dale Carnegie gives us some good tips.
Remember to Always Laugh When People Smirk When You Approach them.
Dale Carnegie says that simply by smiling, you can win over anyone’s heart. When we smile, others will smile back at us because they perceive us as friendly and approachable. Likewise, a smile that is sincere and friendly can help us gain the trust of others. Having a smile that makes people smile is the first step towards gaining their trust and being able to make them feel important.
We are talking about showing that you love others by showing that you really love them by smiling enthusiastically. That is what will cause you to receive good money in the marketplace. — Dale Carnegie
If You Talk to People in a Friendly and Informative Way, People will remember you. When you say Good Morning to People — Use Their Name Often.
One of the things that Dale Carnegie stresses that helps us to build relationships with other people is our willingness to use the other person’s name in the conversation.
If you are alone with someone in a group of people and you are having a great time, someone on the other side of the room suddenly starts calling out your name! When someone suddenly calls your name, you immediately stop talking to them and concentrate on what you think they said. It is very important that people remember that your name is as important as their business card. You are grabbing people’s attention by saying your name and getting them to think about what is important to you.
Dale Carnegie notes that we should always say the person’s name when we interact with them. It is important to remember that we should not overdo a good deed.
Remember that a person’s name is as meaningful as the sound that people use when they say their name; it’s the sweetest and most important thing that anyone can say. — Dale Carnegie
Jim Farley discovered early in his life that people are more interested in their own names than all the other names that exist on this planet put together. Remember the name of the person you are talking with, and if they say their name very clearly, you have given them a very nice compliment. If you forget to say someone’s name or if you misspell their name, you are putting yourself at a disadvantage. — Dale Carnegie
Become Genuinely Attracted to Others.
If you are the person who is listening, you are the one who controls the conversation. If you really listen to others, ask them questions and encourage them to talk, you will soon start to gain their trust and respect.
Dale Carnegie points out that the secret to listening effectively is to show that you are actually interested in the lives of other people. This is important because if you seem a bit insincere, the other person will notice this, and as a result, they will begin to feel disliking you.
You will attract the attention, respect, and cooperation of even the most sought-after people by showing that you truly care about them. — Dale Carnegie
Always Help People Feel Important.
It is also important that people feel that they are important. You can do this by talking about what people are interested in and congratulating them on their accomplishments and successes. It is also possible to cause others to feel important when they share their problems and concerns. Help people to think differently about their own failures and encourage them to see that even though they may fail, they have tremendous opportunities to succeed.
If you make other people feel important, people around you will feel good about themselves; as a result, they will begin to feel more confident and you will become more popular.
I think that what he really wanted was to feel important. It is as though he started off by beating people and complaining. But as soon as he became more important, all his imagined grievances about that person’s behavior disappeared into thin air. — Dale Carnegie
How to Get People to Like Your Way of Thinking?
- Allow people to think that their own ideas and suggestions are essential.
- Get people to immediately say Yes, Yes, and Yes, and by asking them a few basic questions.
- Start conversations with people who seem friendly.
- Seen things from other people’s points of view.
- Whenever you make a mistake, admit it immediately and say it clearly.
- Dramatize your ideas to make them seem more important.
- Avoid starting arguments and telling people when they are wrong.
- If people are absent, try hard not to talk badly.
Getting people to accept our way of thinking is not as easy as persuading people to change their minds. What we do causes people to think differently, and when we do that, that is what causes them to think differently.
See What Other People Think by Looking at Things From Other People’s Point of View.
Influence is often as simple as seeing things from the other person’s point of view. Sometimes we become so absorbed with our own opinions, values, attitudes, and perspectives that we cannot see past the fog that we create. People often interpret what others say based on their own psychological beliefs and conditioning. If we focus too much on ourselves, we cannot really know the viewpoints of others.
We must start seeing things from the other person’s point of view. We must understand what others are thinking and feeling. Only then can we develop a rapport with another person and become effective in our relationships.
Before you ask someone to help you put out a fire or to give you a donation to a charity, pause and try to think about this from another person’s point of view. Ask yourself: Why should that person want to do that? — Dale Carnegie
Be Honest When You Are Wrong.
We are all human, and as a result, we often make mistakes. We cannot trust people who seem a little too good to be true. It affects how we think about other people and how much we trust them. When we see people being real and trying to learn from their mistakes, we tend to appreciate them because they are being transparent. This helps us to understand them better. Sometimes we must admit that we have made mistakes and explain to others what we have learned from those mistakes.
Arguments begin to steam up and boil, and then they stop being meaningful; you know what will happen when that happens. Even if I had convinced him that he was wrong, his pride would have made it difficult for him to finally concede what we have said. — Dale Carnegie
Attempt to avoid arguments.
People have learned that arguing with another person will rarely result in good relationships. Even when someone disagrees with someone, there will be some remorse and tension on both sides of the fence, even when people have forgiven each other.
Some people believe that those who are weak in their thinking prefer to argue, while wise people try to find common ground. There should always be something that everyone can agree on, and common ground is what people use to find common ground that will allow people to come to a common understanding.
Could my adversaries be right? I thought they were right, but they were not quite right. Partly right? Could it be that your opponents were wrong? There is always some truth or merit in what my opponents say, but is it true or not? Is my response to the other party helping them to solve the problem, or will it just cause them to feel better? Is my reaction to what my opponents are thinking is causing them to retreat further from me or will it cause them to become closer to me? — Dale Carnegie
Do Not Remind People That They are Wrong.
When trying to relate to someone, it is important to be aware of resistance triggers. These are things that you say or do that will cause someone to feel uncomfortable. One of the common things that people do that causes someone to feel uncomfortable is telling them that they are wrong. If you tell someone that they are wrong, it immediately causes him to become defensive and you also destroy any goodwill that you have built with them.
We all make mistakes. Some people have made mistakes. It is our responsibility to point these out to others. What will happen if we tell them that they are wrong? Will that affect how they view us? Is it really worth challenging others to be able to determine what they think? If someone tells them that they are wrong, is it really that important to remind them of what they say? Or is that just irrelevant and unnecessary? In the conversations that we have with others, we should be constantly asking ourselves these questions.
You can tell someone that they are wrong by a simple look or by a very subtle gesture just as well as you can in a sentence. But will that cause them to want to agree with you? Never! You have hit them hard because they are insulting their intelligence, their good sense, and their pride and self-esteem. When someone in your circle tells you that they are wrong, they are likely to want to attack you for doing it. It will result in them wanting to say that they are wrong — but that will not cause them to want to change their minds. And they may understand all the things that you have said, but they will not change their minds because you have hurt their feelings. — Dale Carnegie
Get the Other Person to Say Yes.
One of the tricks that Dale Carnegie suggested in his book How to Win Friends and Influence People is to get others to agree with you by asking them questions. Getting people to think positively is the best way to build relationships, trust, and agreement.
Get the other person to say Yes, of course, as soon as you start a conversation. Stay away from people who say No to you. No responses are very difficult to overcome; if your opponent says No, you will lose valuable friends. If you say No, it seems that your own pride demands that you stay true to yourself. — Dale Carnegie
- Influencing people through leading others.
- Before you criticize others, think about your own mistakes.
- Start by saying nice things and being grateful.
- Call attention to other people’s mistakes directly.
- People must be allowed to excuse themselves by allowing them to say what is true.
- Do not give direct orders to others; ask questions instead when delegating tasks.
- Give people a good reputation to live up to.
- Use words of encouragement as much as you can.
- Praise people for the slightest improvement in their lives and every time someone makes a mistake.
- Make people think that it is easy to correct their errors.
- People will appreciate it if you ask them to do what you ask them to do.
How to Win Friends and Influence People is about more than just building relationships. It is about becoming a great leader of people. Leading others effectively requires that you have good leadership qualities and that you have the ability to gain the trust and respect of those who follow us. This ability to influence people comes naturally when we start applying everything we have discussed.
Do Not Give People Direct Orders — Ask People What They Think?
One of the fundamental things that I teach my clients as a life skills coach is the process of asking people practical questions.
Being able to ask questions effectively is as essential to life skills coaching as it is to our interactions with others. Dale Carnegie also points out that when delegating, we should not give clear orders; we should instead ask questions that will encourage people to behave as we want them to.
Asking the right questions will help people to realize the importance of the task that is being given to them. It will also help them to be responsible and to act proactively on it.
Asking questions enables you to get more people to cooperate with you, which helps them to think more creatively. People are more willing to obey an order if they had some say in the decision that caused the order to be issued. — Dale Carnegie
Give Everyone a Good Reputation to Live Up to.
Dale Carnegie writes that it is important that people be given good reputations to live up to. This is especially important when we hear that some people do not live up to the expectations that others expect them to. If we place very high expectations on those who follow us, we increase their ability to perform well and become more effective and efficient.
Praise people for small improvements.
Dale Carnegie also advises that we should tell others how we expect them to perform over time — regardless of how small or insignificant their improvements may seem on the surface. Even though people might make mistakes along the way, you as a leader show them that these errors are only temporary and will be corrected easily in the long run. Even if you own many mistakes and inadequacies, you should tell people that even people who are in positions of power are not perfect. Hopefully, this enables people to build trust and build relationships with others while showing that mistakes in judgment can easily be fixed if we learn from our mistakes.
If you want to improve someone in a certain field, act as though that particular characteristic were already very important. You can also assume and say confidently that others have the virtues that you want them to develop. If you give them an excellent reputation to live up to, they will be able to do a lot of things to improve their performance and to make you proud rather than make you feel disillusioned. — Dale Carnegie
I highly recommend that you read the book How to Win Friends and Influence People to become successful. You will be surprised and encouraged by the stories, techniques and messages that Dale Carnegie tells.